I kissed her. Blurry visions in my mind. I hear her moans deep in my head, still see her window open late at night. My memories are fresh. I am confused. What did I do?!
Her tongue was forceful in my mouth, I tried to slow her down. Nola's scent so fierce it bit my nose – garlic, wine and pepperoni. Her breasts were full and soft, her nipples tasted sweet. I tried to will myself to enjoy what she was giving me. A bottle of wine, my favorite movie ran on TV. I was so close to her. Asked for a kiss. Next thing I know she was undressed, my mouth exploring her skin. Her loud response. She sounded fake, I felt ashamed. Just quiet down, I thought, was lost with words. Still fully dressed. Her turn was over minutes later, every neighbor heard the news. I was less open, indifferent to her hands finally undressing me. Let this be over quick, my mind urged me to stop. I had hoped it would be heaven – soft somehow and wonderful. Sex with a woman. Endless minutes of not exploring my needs. I tried to relax until I faked it to be done.
Pictures of her naked form are haunting me in my dreams. Awake. Asleep, it doesn't matter. I am happy now to be alone. In my bed, in my apartment, away from her. I see us having sex, the scene has changed. Her kiss is gentle now, she tastes so different. I jump awake.
I hardly know the person who triggered a need I didn’t know I had. I fancy her from a distance, see her almost every day. She is mature, like all the women I've ever liked, yet different. She lifts me up. It took last night for me to see I am in love. For the first time in my life. A feeling strong and so sincere. All revealed to me in her face. It made me hungry for a female kiss. Hers, more than anything. Her mouth, her hair, her legs, her breasts – would I ever get a chance to probe those lips? So I drank some wine, saw her instead of Nola when I closed my eyes. Longed to smell, take in her scent and taste her skin. Was tipsy beyond my usual, lay in her arms, the feeling heavy and awkward in the humid room. My need unanswered still, guilt crept into that one moment, felt like a sin.
I'm left wondering if it would be different with the woman I long for every day. Her in my arms. We would make love. A trail of kisses down her cheeks, her throat, her neck. Her mouth experienced, her tongue relaxed. Yes – one person. That one alone. Full of promises.
published 27 May 2011