I smoke marijuana. It gives me psychedelic dreams as well as wet ones. The wet ones are in black and white and have old movie stars in them.
I smoke as a deterrent to bawling out my tv. I don’t watch the news anymore because my doctor prescribed calm allied with some dope.
I used to get real mad at the news. Face spitting, heart pumping, gut busting son of a bitch rages at some goddamned politico Senators telling me, telling us that we’re at the crossroads. I screamed at them. I swore at them. “We’ve been at the intersection of failure ever since time began!” I told them.
They don’t listen. You know why they don’t listen? Because they’ve got their heads so far up their asses they couldn’t hear the tick, tick ticking of a bomb if it was right next to them. That’s why!
My wife left me yesterday. She packed the only damn suitcase we have and took off. I guess she’s gone to her sisters’ house in Albuquerque. Her sister cooked great lasagne and one time she came onto me but she swears she doesn’t remember it. She ain’t nothing like my wife. Guess I married the wrong sister.
My wife liked to watch the news in her dressing gown. She used to say the guy who reads the lunchtime bulletin has nice teeth.
“They all have nice teeth!” I yelled. “Great dental work and no self-respect! We're only going to watch cartoons from now on! And why have you got your dressing gown on at noon? Have you no self respect?"
We’ve been married too damn long.
My wife’s a lazy bitch but she’s gone now. We were married a long time ago although we don’t have a photo to prove it. We ran away and did it in New Mexico. Maybe they didn’t have cameras then. When she left she said she hated me from the day we first met.
“Why did you marry me then?” I asked.
“Because you were the only one who asked,” she replied.
She took the car and the dressing gown. I guess that’s a good thing, but I won’t get sex anymore, except in black and white.
published 21 December 2011