It’s pathetic now that I live vicariously through the drama of others, holed-up in bed. I bought some high-powered binoculars, better than any reality TV I’ve seen. I’ve become a Wry-neck with my neighbor, Weldon, but hell, he’s got it going now, even if it was somewhat achromatic before he bought one of those foreign spitfire cars. Every weekday his polished apple head roars off to his so-called University professorship, when I already got his number. It’s a free-ticket-with-purchase to pick up some steamy tart of a student and race her back.
Weldon brought a biter and a scratcher home last week! She actually scrapes rings around his package with her nails and likes to bite him where the sun don’t shine. He blots away at the bloody aftermath of her freak show with a smile on his face. Night after night, I hear that screen door slam like a recurring sitcom and they’re at it again.
Oh, and this is good. She’s apparently got a yen for food distribution and not what you’d expect. We’re talking sautéed mushrooms and onions and some kind of teriyaki sauce she slathers all over his lizard apparatus. I think she’s part Asian.
And if that doesn’t get you, she actually has a dummy. No. Not Weldon, although, now that you mention it, this is one of those stick your hand up the dummy’s ass, pretend he’s talking kind of deals, just like Weldon. Ha! It’s a ventriloquy party over there, especially since I can’t hear a damn word they’re saying anyway. A regular x-rated dubbed cartoon!
And get this. Before they start their sticky after-hour romps they have this exotic pipe made out of glass, with two hoses shooting out the sides that they both inhale smoke out of at the same time! I looked it up online. This chowderhead has grown a hookah up his ass! Even smokes it when she’s not around. Makes the piebald transform from uptight to just right. Singing to himself slumped in his bathrobe all night and hell, I can see him roaring over there, laughing and dancing around like some smudge of the muck-a-muck he was before. I’m starting to like this Weldon.
So, I got online one day and ordered me one of those hookahs and yes, I have some of that weed my doctor gave me for nausea and popped it in the little pipe and sucked away on that thing till I’m sashaying around like a baldheaded ballerina, laughing like a horny hyena. I even did myself with the other hose pretending it was Weldon’s lizard one night! And laugh? I mean, honey, I’m going out in style! Never felt better! I even knock and wave to Weldon before he gets in his rat mobile. He smiles, waves back, thinks I’m batty as a loon! It’s one hell of a reality show over here. He doesn’t even know what he gave me? I’m the star now and I’m finally getting the last laugh!
published 30 April 2011