Pure Slush

flash ... without the wank

American Writer

<  Killer

by Mike Epifani     Fat Tony  > 


“They say that torturing animals is an early sign of serial killing but what about torturing animal crackers? I used to bite their heads off, make the legless giraffe hump the zebra whose spine is ripped out. Did you ever do that?” I asked.


The raw smell of Columbia’s finest coffee breath formulated words from my pale, thin, and unshaven face. My blind date sat across the table from me half listening, her arms folded and her Caribbean blue eyes rolled sharply to the right. Her right leg was propped on her left and wagged impatiently. 

She had a small, turned-up nose with a diamond stud beneath long red hair. Her breasts pushed out of her grey V-neck sweater like she was holding her breath. She picked the restaurant and the bill was going to put me into credit card debt. The cheapest dish was forty five American.

“So you’re really a writer?” she asked me the way she probably asks her friends if they’re really going to a movie that she doesn’t want to see.

“Yeah. More of a bartender though,” I said and laughed. She didn’t. Our waiter served us our food and my dish was smothered in garlic. I cut the chicken with my fork and shoved a piece into my mouth.

“Would you like to say grace or should I?” she asked me. I was mid-mastication and snorted in laughter through my full mouth.

I swallowed.

“Seriously?” I said, smiling, and set down my fork.

She stood up, pushing the chair across the hardwood floor with the back of her knees. “Do you want some money for the bill? I’ve lost my appetite.”

“No that’s fine. Are you okay?” I asked but I knew the date was over.

“Um.. I will be.” She spun around and her wide, athletic ass and autumn hair waved goodbye to me in sync.

I sat there and finished my meal and asked the waiter to wrap up her lobster ravioli for later. I gave the guy my credit card and while he was running it through the machine I took out my cell phone. There was a text from my mother. Let me know how your date goes.

I’ll be home soon, I texted back.

I stopped at a 7/11 and bought some animal crackers on the way. 


published 5 April 2013