Pure Slush

flash ... without the wank

Let There Be Comedy Tonight

<  Chicken

by Wayne Scheer     Six Wives  >


Leaning back on His / Her celestial throne, which was actually a combination recliner and back massager, God called all His / Her angels together and commanded in a voice simultaneously feminine and masculine, sounding somewhat like James Taylor: “Let there be comedy tonight!” The angels cheered as they set up their aluminum folding chairs around a big screen TV. 

In firm control of the remote, God clicked on Menu and, after a quick scan of an infinite number of options, selected Earth. She / He was in a mood for comedy. The inhabitants of Earth seemed the perfect choice.

At first, it was rather difficult to understand what was happening on the giant TV screen. Apparently two tiny tumors, no larger than adolescent acne, were debating one another. “I’m better than you,” one declared. “No, I’m better than you.” The angels snickered and God smiled. “One of my favorite creations,” He / She declared like a proud Poppa / Momma. “Politicians.”

A few minutes later, the celestial heavens shook with Holy guffaws as even tinier tumors analyzed the “thoughts” of the two previous tumors. “Talking pimples taking themselves seriously,” an angel named Fred cried out, slapping his wings so hard they nearly came off. “God, you’re a comic genius. Just like Jerry Lewis.”

“Thank you, Fred,” God bowed humbly. “But I can’t take full credit for it. What I created was ego. You combine that with free will, and comedy inevitably follows.”

After a while, God grew restless and grabbed the remote, perhaps suggesting a masculine proclivity. He / She flipped around the planet, watching masses of zits blowing up other zits. To God and His / Her friends this was hysterical, especially the desperation with which the zits tried to justify their actions. “More ego mixing with free will,” God explained. “It makes each zit feel superior to others and free to follow the loudest leader.” God shook Her / His head. “What stooges these silly creatures are. But so funny!”

He / She clicked to the menu once again and chose to magnify the life of one pimple chosen at random. (Well, maybe not exactly random, maybe God had a plan, but it certainly seemed random.)

A young female zit, alone in her bedroom, was crying over something inconsequential like the size of her breasts or losing a boyfriend. “Why does she take everything so seriously?” Fred asked, but answered his own question quickly. “I know. It’s that ego thing again. She thinks whatever is happening to her is important.”

Tiffany, an angel with blond hair and a navel ring, interrupted Fred. “It’s like, you know, sad, how she doesn’t see how, like, desperate she’s acting. If only she could see herself as we see her.”

God nodded, impressed with Tiffany's insight. “Only those not controlled by their egos have the ability to see themselves as other’s see them.

“It’s, like, really sad,” Tiffany said. 

“Yes, it is,” Fred agreed. “But it’s their choice, right?”

God nodded and changed the channel.


published 3 April 2013