Pure Slush

flash ... without the wank

Jesus in Space

<  Goat Fate

by Elizabeth Wylder      The Man Who Worked in the Catacombs  >


“What the hell is this?”

“It’s Jesus in Space.  It’s a game.”

“A computer game?”

“Yeah.  It’s really cool.  I thought it might be good for you to take a break from all of those other violent, bloody, gory, mindless, shooting games you’re always playing with all those zombies and monsters and plumbers.”

“You mean the fun ones?”

“This is a fun one, too.  Just a different kind of fun.  It’s set in space—“

 “Stunner.”

“—and, basically, what you do is fly around to different planets and teach aliens about the Gospel.  You play as—”

“Why would aliens want to know about the Gospel?  They’re not Christians.”

 “How do you know that?”

“At no point during E. T. did E. T. make Elliot take him to church.  He didn’t even request that they phone one.”

“E. T.’s just one alien.  And he’s not even in the game.”

“Alf never went to church either.  Ever.”

“You’ve seen every episode of Alf?”

“Alf was too busy looking for cats to eat to go say a couple Hail Mary’s. Killing and eating cats, by the way, not a very Christian-y practice.  And you know what they really meant when they were always talking about how Alf liked to eat cats.  They really meant he liked to eat—”

“That was just one stupid show.  And the aliens don’t have to be Christians to want to learn about the Gospel.  I mean, they could be already, but they don’t have to be.  It’s about spreading the word and showing others the real—”

“Luke Skywalker.  Not a Christian.”

“Not an alien, either.”

“He was born on Polis Massa and grew up on Tatooine.  He’s a freakin’ alien.”

“Alright, fine.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure Darth Vader was an Episcopalian, though.”

“You’re a riot.  Now let me finish telling you about the game.  I seriously think you’re going to like it.  You’ve got this robot sidekick called Psalm23 and you fly around to three different—”

“Superman.  Also an alien.  Also not a Christian.”

“Goddammit.”


published 24 August 2011