Pure Slush

flash ... without the wank

Killing the Neighbors

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by Marda Miller   I Wrote A Book  >


“Neil! These are matters of utmost urgency. Another notice needs to be posted!” came the shrill voice of Tobias Ward, current chairman of the Residents Association down the line. “These savages will destroy everything! You’re the property manager! Why haven’t you made it clear to them …” Neil rolled his eyes and pulled the receiver away from his ear.

“… next they will be killing their neighbors!”

“Nobody will resort to murder…” Neil said, his mouth still inches from the phone. He could imagine Tobias leading a blood thirsty mob. Every vein in his red face pulsating while he raced up corridors and down stairwells, running over small dogs and teenagers and anything that stood in his way.

“I’ll send another notice … yes … goodbye Tobias.” Neil hung up the phone as his assistant Miranda hurried into his office holding a file folder thick with papers.

“Was that Tobias, again? That man sure is … fervent,” she said. “These are all the responses from the residents of Casablanca Manor to the pet policy amendment.”  The papers made a thunderous whoosh as she dropped them on his desk.

Neil looked at the pile of letters, mumbled under his breath then let out a deep sigh.

“Miranda, I’m going to need a fresh pot of coffee and some Tylenol, please.”

As Miranda walked out, Neil noticed the dusty certificate from Cedar Falls Community College on the wall next to the door “Neil Pert… Certified Property Manager”. He cleared his throat, picked up the papers and placed them in his “deal with tomorrow” pile.

He turned to his computer and started typing.

Dear residents of Bromley Estates,

Re: Balconies

It has been observed that beer bottles have been falling from the balconies. Please ensure that bottles and glass items do not accidentally roll off your balcony as this is hazardous. Specifically from those above the third floor terrace as some damage to the flower beds has occurred.

We also kindly ask that you please refrain from throwing cigarette butts over the balconies. An incident occurred last week where a resident was struck by a discarded cigarette. It only takes a moment to think about and be courteous to your neighbors.

And lastly, it has been brought to our attention that some of you have hung wind chimes off your balconies. While we appreciate the desire for such embellishments, please be aware that noise they produce is much more noticeable to your neighbors, Keeping the noise level to a minimum makes the building enjoyable for everyone.

Your adherence to the bylaws and building rules is appreciated.


Neil Hurt

Senior Property Manager

Properly Managed® Property Management

Miranda handed Neil a bottle of Tylenol and placed a fresh cup of coffee on his desk. Neil flicked the cap off the Tylenol just as the phone started ringing again.


published 21 September 2011