"Be very, very careful what you put in that head because you will never, ever get it out."
― Thomas Cardinal Wolsey
Exercise for a Bigger Butt
The BigButt Bridge is an excellent place to begin. Lie flat on the weight bench with the bar positioned across your pelvic cage. A barbell pad will eliminate direct contact between the metal bar and your pelvis. Pads are available in the catalogue (p 16) and come in black, pink, green, and our own BigButt Blue.
Once the bar is positioned, squeeze your buttocks and raise your pelvic region, pushing upward from your heels. Hold for one second. Repeat. Repetition is the key. The key to a big butt is repetition.
Food for a Bigger Butt
The best foods for butt enhancement are high in protein and low in carbohydrate. Protein converts into muscle, carbohydrate into sugar. Fish, especially those species rich in Omega 3, is an excellent source for big butt building. Vegans may want to try soy-based products, such as our BigButt Soy Bacon (p 14). Remember you are eating for two: Left Cheek and Right. Do not skimp on portion size.
Herbs / Supplements / Pills for a Bigger Butt
Supplements can help you achieve a glorious gluteus, but be careful to consume no more than label recommendation. Most contain phyto estrogen derived from plants, and side effects are not uncommon. While pills and extracts complement exercise and eating, they are not a substitute.
We recommend BigButt PE (p 4), a perfectly balanced blend of herbal extracts. Applied topically, this deep penetrating, micro active ointment repairs tissue damage and leaves a shower fresh lemon sage scent that lasts for hours. Ingested by mouth, it works from the inside out to maximize your maximus, and makes the perfect topping for high fiber crackers. Do not be fooled by cheap imitations. Your butt deserves the very best.
Special Techniques for a Bigger Butt
Many people cannot find time in their busy schedules to exercise, eat specially prepared meals, or read labels. For them, we suggest the BigButt Gentle Massager (p 7). This quality device shapes your buttocks as you move through your daily routine. The double-insulated housing keeps noise to a minimum, and the twin battery compartments present a pleasing rounded shape. A hypoallergenic BigButt hip strap is also available (p 8). We recommend BigButt BabySoft (p 52) to minimize chafing.
Gaining weight is another option. We do not recommend this for all but the most ardent butt builder, as obesity comes with a downside. BigButt ButterBaby Supplement (p 14) offers an ideal blend of easily digested calories and vitamins. Available in an array of rainbow colors and three popular flavors (vanilla, chocolate, and herring), this powder dissolves as readily in vodka as it does in water.
Cosmetic surgery is an option in the most difficult cases. Butt implants are available in a wide variety of shapes, sizes, and designer colors (p 17-48). Incisions can be disguised via the BigButt Instant Tat Kit (p2). Is that a scar on your big, beautiful butt? No, it's a unicorn... or a polar bear... or even a lifelike portrait of your favorite politician.
Where do I go from here?
With the options available today, there is truly nothing standing between you and that bouncing J-Lo butt you crave. So get that flat behind out of that undented chair, and dial the number on your screen. Operators are sitting by to take your call.
published 12 December 2012