taken from his own journal
Cockahoop, Xianggang February 4th
We were greeted by the denizens with a parade and small gifts. I received a microscopic elephant carved neatly from an actual tusk. My guide, Actaeon, was given a timepiece showing earthly hours alongside those of heaven. Spent a peaceful day eating the local specialty they call mast. It tasted of ashes and overly fermented mead. That night we opted to sleep under the stars as the local inn seemed to be full of jacklighters. We slept well under wheeling Orion, the night air as cool as a young head of lettuce.
Mihemps, Vanuatu July 20th
The mayor bestowed upon me his adopted daughter for the evening. I bid the rest of the party an early night and sent them to find what accommodations they could. The young woman, Una, (it was said she was half Andalusian and half ape) was buxom and had skin white like fairy boon. In a private bedroom of the mayor’s house she showed me things I thought the wisdoms of Hottentots or extraterrestrials. I fell asleep deep in the fissure twixt tits from which, in the morning, my men had to remove me with tools we carried. I left Una with a bite of regret. I told her the old lie that I would pass that way again.
Acujack, Gotland September 17th
The city fathers did not come out to greet us. Instead they sent an army of mechanical men. We did the best we could against them, lost our friend U. Pepsi in the fray, and were eventually driven back to our ship, The Naught.
Curandero, Zanzibar December 2nd
This township sits just west of Chake Chake, and here we found a gentle people, given to warm milk teas and games of chance. We lost a bit of swag gambling but we picked up a new crewman from among the town rowdies, a seasoned tar named Brr Rich Donut. He has proven invaluable, not just because he knows the secret of cooking flans, but because he is physically as strong as a monarch’s signet. He bested our crewmate, Pot Valance, 9 times out of 10, thumb wrestling.
Dita, Nova Scotia January 19th
This city is built precariously on the edge of a great ice shelf. It has been predicted it will only last another ten summers. It is told that a local clairvoyant presaged that the days were growing sultrier and he was jugulated in the town square for all to see. We did stay but one night.
San Francisco, California February 14th
City seems cooled by the winds of paradise. There are strange peoples here though, men who mate with men and women with women. Perhaps they are poikilothermic. My first mate, Diomedes, was put off by what he called, “hellish abominations,” then disappeared into the local populace for 7 days. It was here, in a small inn called The Poor and Angry, I heard a golden-throated cantatrice named Maya Revel. She sang a song “Candle Mambo,” that turned my heart to porridge. I asked the innkeeper to introduce Captain Cocoa Poem Lorry, off the ship, The Naught, which he did that very evening. Maya had hair like medusa tamed and a face that could launch a thousand Naughts. After a week of courtship we were married by Judge Euphonious Moniker, in a civil ceremony at a local urnfield. We sailed for home soon afterwards, Diomedes opting to stay ashore with his new “colleague,” Randy.
published 22 May 2012