Last time I saw him, I hid myself away. I knew he would be looking for me, but didn’t want him to find me, not yet. That was last Wednesday. Keeping hidden seemed the best thing to do.
My friend Helene told me this morning he was still looking for me, and she said he seemed to be getting desperate. I’m not sure why she said that, as if I should care about how he was feeling. I was happy about him getting desperate. He might start to understand how I felt, almost the whole time I was anywhere near him.
He was desperate to find me, now that I wasn’t there. When I was there, I was desperate to get away from him. It was a crazy reverse copycat thing. When we were together, he wanted to do unspeakable things to me, sexually. Now that I’m finally away from him, I’ve been able to think clearly about it all.
I couldn’t do that if he was around, he doesn’t leave me alone to think. It’s always about him, his body and what he can do to me and my body. He thought I liked what he did. I don’t know which part of ‘No, fuck off’ he couldn’t understand. All of it I guess, because he sure wouldn’t do it.
But, I’ve been thinking. Once I thought I loved him, and I had to play along if I wanted to have him. Now I know I was a fool. I don’t want to do things with him sexually. He was using me and I’m ashamed I went along with him. No, I don’t want to do unspeakable things with him, sexually. I want to do unspeakable things to him, fatally.
published 2 January 2013